One OfThe Most Embarrassing Moments Of My Life-Part 2

Ok, where did we leave off? Oh, yeah..I got to the bottom of the slide and I emerged form the water. I couldn't even recall the impact because I had closed my eyes and held my breath at that point. I somehow did not feel quite right though. Something was definitely wrong in the back of my swimsuit. I hesitated to get out of the water until I could figure it out. Had the bottoms been pushed up my crack? I certainly did not want to walk out of the water with my bottom hanging out, even though I had a long t-shirt covering me up. I was shy and very self conscious at that point in my life. I reached around, under the water of course, to try to feel what had happened. To my absolute horror I felt something hard and roundish in my swimsuit. Had I pooped in my swimsuit? I could hardly believe that was possible! Wouldn't I know if I had? There was those few moments just prior to hitting the bottom that I had closed my eyes and held my breath. I had been going so fast down the slide the bottom of it came very fast. Holding my breath was the last thing I could remember though. It had to have happened upon impact. Now I really didn't want to get out of the water! I wanted to somehow teleport myself to the nearest toilet. I wanted one of those gadgets Captain Kirk used on Star Trek to transport himself back and forth from the Starship Enterprise. Where was one of those when you needed it? I so realized my sister had already come down the slide and was ahead of me yelling,"Come On!" and the female lifeguard at the bottom of the slide was yelling for me to get out. Neither one could figure out what on earth was wrong with me. My sister came up to me and asked me what what was my problem. She told me I looked like I had seen a ghost. No, I was imagining my future as being the nasty girl who had shit her swimsuit on the White Lightening. I had to get a plan and quickly. I obviously had to tell her what was going on. She started laughing hysterically and loudly, which was not going to help my plan one bit! She had to help me get to the restroom unnoticed. Fat chance with the way she was carrying on. I became angry at that point, because after all..it was her fault!! I told her to shut up and help me and I reminded her that it was her fault I was in this position to begin with! She quited her laughing and got behind me. I eased out of the pool, hoping to God above that nothing would fall out, pulling my cover up down in the back as much as possible. I got to the restroom and sure enough there was a line. I yelled, "Emergency!"as I plowed my way through women and small children. A lady had just come out of one of the stalls and I ran in. I heard a little girl's voice say," No fair mom, she cut us!" I screamed back, "I didn't cut you, you are not bleeding! So just hold on!" I heard my sister say, in her version of a whisper," She pooped her pants, as she giggled some more. I abruptly told her to shut her big mouth. I heard the lady in next stall start to laugh as well. Great! now the whole place is going to know! I pulled my swimsuit down and sure enough I heard to little plops hit the water in the toilet. I turned my cover up around and inspected the back...It was white, by the way, and it was clean, thank God. I inspected my bottoms and they were clean. I heard my sister conversing with the women in the next stall who had been laughing at my ordeal. Apparently, she had dropped her keys in the toilet and was fishing them out by hand. So, I guess I wasn't the only one having a bad time. She quit laughing at me when my sister said something to the effect that she really couldn't laugh at me since she had her hand in dirty toilet water. She agreed and quit laughing. We both were washing our hands, side by side, with an uncomfortable silence. I since have learned that when you hit water hard enough, at a certain "position",without having your legs crossed , causes an enema effect. I left the park shortly after and I never went on that slide again. On every trip thereafter my sister always made it a point to ask if I wanted to go on that slide. I never went on it again. I was most happy when they tore it down. Of course they put one up almost identical and people were using foam pads to down or they went down without the pad but had their legs crossed. My sister has never in thirty years let me live that down. That is still one of her favorite stories to this day.

One of My Most Embarrassing Moments...Ever! Part One

  I was about thirteen and my sister and I wanted desperately to go to the new water park that had opened up here in town. I loved swimming so I couldn't wait to go. Little did I know it would end up being one of the most embarrassing moments of my life...mostly because my sister will never let me live it down. My sister makes it her life mission to tell everyone we know what happened and especially any guy I was ever even remotely interested in, dated, or married. One simple word would have stopped the whole ordeal..."No!!"Did I say it? Yes, several hundred times, but you do not know my sister. She is the biggest nag I have ever known. We spent all summer bugging my parents to let us go and we had worked hard to get there. Not only did we invest serious time and much energy into our creative nagging and promising all kinds of things, we probably never did, we cleaned the house...several times. My mother's idea of clean differed from that of most women. We had to clean windows, dust every one of the five thousand nick knacks she had decorating our home, clean the oven, clean the kitchen, weed her flower beds, raked the leaves, clean the bathroom, and probably several other things that I am forgetting. We made ourselves slave labor all to go to the new, amazing water park. We had finally arrived at our dream place to swim. Not only was this a place to swim, they had unbelievable slides, slides we never in our wildest dreams imagined could be built. We were having a wonderful day, still in awe that we were finally there. We had heard about it all summer from our friends. We had driven past it all summer and it taunted us every time. The only bad part of my day was my sister's constant nagging. She was nagging me to go on the most daunting, intimidating, terrifying slide there. This monstrosity was no ordinary slide. It was easily ten stories high, at least it looked that high or higher to me at the time. Not only was it incredibly high it was a straight drop down that scooped out at the bottom and each one of it's victims was then thrust into a crystal clear, blue pool at the bottom. I had heard nothing but screams of horror coming out of the mouths of each person that dared to go down it, and when they emerged from the pool of water they came out with a look of disorientation or bewilderment. It was called, "The White Lightening" and I had no desire whatsoever to go down it. She nagged me all day long, taking me over to it several times, as if that would somehow magically convince me. When, in fact, everytime she showed me it convinced me even further this was not something I wanted to do. She was unrelenting in her nagging. I decided the only way I was going to shut her the hell up was to go down that damn, God forsaken slide. I was pretty sure it was going to be my death, but at that point I was willing to die rather than listen to one more minute of her constant babbling and nagging. Several times I tried to bail on my decision, but she was behind me on the stairs leading up to my doom and she sure wasn't going to let me back out. So, after a hour or so of standing out in the sun, on the hot wood stairs of the instrument of which I was sure was going to kill me, we arrived at the top. In that hour or so all I heard were screams of terror from every person that went down, even grown men! Several people had already chickened out and excused themselves down the hundreds of stairs and past the multitudes of insane people thinking it was going to be fun. I had also carefully examined every person that had gone down that slide, making sure they did not fly off the side and that they came safely out of the pool below. Even the person in front of us chickened out and left back down the stairs. I was thinking, "Why am I doing this?" About that time the life guard yells,"Next!" I realized he was talking to me. I walked reluctantly over to the slide and the lifeguard instructs me to sit down and then lay down when I get ready to go down. His only other instruction was to cross my arms over my chest. The one thing he did not tell me to do, which I realized later was invaluable information, was to cross my legs. It happened very fast. I barely remembered the ride down. All I do remember was not screaming. I had determined all the way up the stairs that I was not going to scream. If I was going to die I was going to be brave about it. When they wrote my obituary it would read, " Our brave daughter did not even scream as she flew off of the slide that killed her , as reported by all of the onlookers." I reached the bottom and emerged from the water not even remembering hitting the water. (go to part 2 now)

Just Took A Step...What A Long Crawl!!

  Holy Moses! I am worn out from all that! I never knew you had to have the brains of a rocket scientist to set up a website and a blog. I just wanted to share some funny stuff with everybody and hopefully put smiles on some faces. I am a RN. I can help bring someone back to life for cryin' out loud, but I am about as smart as a box of rocks when it comes to this stuff. I did get through it obviously. I could say it's been that kind of day, but really, it's my life story. I am forever having glitches in my day. In my younger years it was no big deal. Now, after 40, God help me! Earlier I was sending a type of chain letter deal..don't judge, it as for charity..and I had 56 people to send it to. No big deal, right? I am in Facebook. I go to Messenger and click all my little contacts I needed to send. I hit send and there's an error message. What? But then it sends it. No big deal..wrong! I get this message from an aquaintance in Egypt. She is upset. I'm thinking,"Really? You are gonna be an asshole about this?" She said it woke her up. What? Why on earth would it wake her up? Even if she had the sound on it would be one little ding or whatever noise her device or computer makes. No, one ding or whatever wouldn't wake most people up, however, seven dings in a row would sound like, I don't know, a Damn alarm going off!! Yeah, I look in Messenger to read the next message she sent me...after I apologized, and low and behold it sent her seven of those. Then I realize,"Holy shit, I sent over fifty people that stupid thing!" That means I am going to have to send out some kind of apology before I get a ton of hateful messages back cause I just woke up God only knows how many people! She ended up being very nice about it. Shit like that happens to me all the time though. By the way, I did not send another mass message out. Nope, I posted to my status and I've been keeping my fingers crossed ever since. After that I wasn't tired at all, so I decided to set this up. I was hitting one brick wall right after another. I had to go take a breathing break... you know, when you have to step away from the computer to keep from throwing it across the room. I'm standing in my living room at four in the morning with my hands on my hips. pacing and breathing hard. I'm sure I looked like I was in labor or something. Thank God no one was awake! You know, years ago when I was diagnosed with Lupus and Fibromyalgia my doctor told me I could keep the flares under control as long as I remain as stress free as possible. I had to laugh. Are you kidding me? That's like telling a raging alcoholic to go into a bar during happy hour but don't drink! I don't look for stress, matter of fact, I try to hide from it now, but it always seems to find me. I got traps bigger than most body builders (those muscles between your neck and your shoulders). Sorry, I had to add that because I use to ask my husband to rub my shoulders and he loves correcting what I say. When you have already had a long,stressful day and everything hurts the last thing you ant to hear is,"Those are your traps, your shoulders are the bones..." Oh my God ! I am a nurse I know what my damn shoulders are! I didn't say it, but I thought it,"Why don't you shut your trap and get to rubbin'?!" Then he always tells me it's like rubbing concrete. I usually have several hundred glitches in my day. I don't go looking for stress, but it always seems to find me. If it can happen to anyone, it's gonna happen to me. Just sayin' People see my red hair and they always ask me if I'm Irish. Yes. I'm part Irish. Then the follow up question is, " Don't Irish people have good luck?" The saying is, the luck of the Irish. They never said it was good. If you know anything about Irish history you know these people do NOT have good luck. I inherited THAT gene.It's not all bad. I have actually had a pretty blessed life. I was the only kid I knew whose parents were not divorced. They were married forty-three years until my dad passed a year and a half ago. I had really good grandparents and even a couple of great grandparents. All were very good. I had a great childhood and a pretty decent adulthood so far...even with my glitches. Every step I take I have to crawl to get there...but I do get there. I will be sharing lots of hopefully funny stuff. I have all kinds of stories. I've learned it's better for your body and your soul if you can find something to laugh about and being able to laugh at yourself is good for you. Well, if you can't laugh at yourself then....laugh at someone else!!I don't mind if you laugh at me. I would rather someone laugh at me than bitch me out. Have a good day all...I am going to bed!